Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Getting lost with little kids

I have about eight things to write, and not enough time to write any of them. Today I woke up about an hour earlier than I needed. Arguably even earlier than that if you define need tightly. i think its just that I have set my mind up to just keep moving. i have so many things to do, I just keep doing things. I will never keep up, but I keep working or whatever.
That is not to say I am stressed. My acne is basically gone, which means that I am just not stressed. I believe the meter. Though the second half of my school day was more what I pictured, hectic, problematic, and I was constantly lost. The curriculum is so hit or miss. So many of the activities are simply way too easy for them. Some are terribly explained, and the kids gravitate to the problems in the questions like a high price law firm. For instance, say there was a map connecting A to B, one that goes from B to C, one that goes from C to D. However, along the square, there are connectors in the middle from A to C and B to D. The connecters in the middle would connect. Well kids would turn on these corners. Which they shoulod be able to do unless there is ano obvious reason why not (it is even more clear with the specific maps). Without blinking, the kids all would pick some problem like this. I would say "Well, you can't do that, because 0 does that and 5 does that." And one would respond "Well, we could do this!" and indicated down three, half way across 5, turning up 0, and then down 2.
What do you say when a kindergarten kid schools you?
Then with their grammar books, I gave them an assignment, and some had finished it in literally one minute (Sam had something to prove I think), whereas others took their time. The last half of the class was impossible to put into little time structures.
However, I found out why I cannot be a professional poker player. I am not sure how to punish a kid, the problem, I don't believe my own bull shit. Jonathan will look me right in the eye and defiance breathes out of his eyes. So what am I going to do? Send him to the corner? What if he says "Hell no bitch!" Which although would be shocking, I have an intimidating imagination. So I say, "okay, go to the bathroom" and he says, "bring it on, what are you going to do, force me? You can't hurt me?" So I will say "Okay, I will tell the principal," which is already where my imagination begins realizing I may be in over my head, I don't think I could ever do that, it just seems a bit much.
The entire system of non-corporal punishment is based on such a profound amount of social construction. If a kid just will not drink the Kool-aid, they can just keep pushing it. If a kid, we will call him Henry David, was truly defiant to the end, they can be grounded, locked up, without any privileges, but without corporal punishment, they can just keep pushing it. Ultimately, non-corporal punishment is a great way to get people to mesh into society.
I did not just drink the Kool-aid, I chugged it. My parents could tell me, "Go to your room until you are ready to come out." The beauty, and weirdness, of that punishment did not strike me for years. Even as a kid, I realized I could just walk into the door and out and say, "I am ready to come out, BLEH." But I never would.
I did not look behind the structures, I knew I was not "ready to come out," so I didn't. Being honest to myself, I could probably say that to Jonathan and it would work. However, I need to believe my own bullshit. If I threaten something looking into his eyes, and I don't believe it, he won't. I am just so terrified he will call my bluff.
In poker, I can just not believe my own bullshit. I will bluff, but only semi bluff. Only online can I play a truly over the top bluff. So if I can punish Jonathan with competence, perhaps I can join the World Poker Tour.

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