Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Alice

Writing about people in China is sort of weird for me. The fact is, they will probably never read it, not the case for most places I go to. In America and Taiwan, I could safely assume that anyone I refer to may someday wander to my site, as I surely do not keep this site a secret. Chia, that is not the case, their internet blockage is probably not going away anytime soon (sadly), and when it does, I doubt anyone is popping over to my site, searching out the day I knew them and then seeing what I said (even that involves some high level English most of them don't have).
Alice is a girl that I met two years ago in China. She is a lot like Pudong for me, she is someone that was in the back of my head for a long time, and seeing her hit me a bit hard. I spent only about twelve hours talking to her the first time we met., however we have talked online countlessly since then. There was a time period where we talked everyday. There was a time period where I thought about doing rash things to get to Shanghai.
One thing Alice pointed out off hand was that we met my first day of China. I realized that I saw Pudong my first day in China. An abbreviated thought - on that day, if you had told me the next two year. When I arrived here about two years and two months ago, I had one real goal in China - see the Bund. After that, I was not even sure where I was going.
Now two years later, Alice and I could speak for hours entirely in Chinese for hours. Furthermore, ti was clear that was the best way to communicate. We had shared cultural experiences to talk about and share. That said, as much more that we had, we also had what we did when we first met, a really great computability involving a great deal of smiling and laughing.
Alice is living with her boyfriend and is on the fast track to getting married, so nothing is "on the table." That said I did get nostalgic. Alice was the last one of my great useless "crushes." She was the last girl that I can recall where I idealized them and amplified in my head. This is not a freshly removed habit mind you, I probably only stopped upon coming to Asia and gaining more experience. That said, few of these crushes reached Alice proportions and it was really weird to have her sitting with me, talking with me.
Professionally I can see a surprisingly clear path for me lately, assuming I can cut it, and I think I can, and that I like it, and I think I will. But personally I have been lost as long as I can remember. I write some embarrassing stuff about relationships at the start of this blog, but I don't especially regret any of them.
I wrote a few things saying basically saying that I was on a girlfriend hunt. They were personal and shockingly vulnerable. I am not sure what inspired me to post them, but I think it was a certain coming to turns with myself, as in "You really believe this stuff about yourself, well then put it out in the public domain and see how that feels."
This last year was very good for me personally, resolved things for me, and relaxed me a lot. That said, Alice still has a special part of my heart. She will have a good life, I think she is looking for something normal and traditional, so is her future husband. I think that is exactly what they will have, and who can argue against a dream come true.
For me? I am still vulnerable enough to say I worry sometimes that I am just a fool when it comes to matter of the heart. However I am strong enough to say I am really not that worried, I have confident I will figure it out.

PTI: I wrote that last entry really tired (I nearly fell asleep writing it). I am afraid of reading it, but that is my only excuse if I get umm...sentimental.

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